From Breadwinner to Caregiver: The Journey of Stay-at-Home Dads

Studies show, fathers have a very important place in the family unit.
Source: Derek Thomson for Unsplash.

Gone are the days when the role of a father was limited to being the breadwinner of the family. Today, more and more fathers are choosing to stay at home and take care of their children while their partners pursue their careers. However, this decision comes with its own set of challenges and rewards. In this article, we'll explore the journey of stay-at-home dads and the unique challenges and of course, joy they face.

Between the 1970s and now, one thing has become apparent to us: fathers, although largely unnoticed in previous eras, play a pivotal role in the home and child development.

Research shows that present fathers in the family unit help foster better outcomes for their children in the areas of social, self-esteem, cognitive and academic development. 

What’s more, according to Fatherly, teens are less likely to engage in sex at a young age or be involved in other high-risk behaviours if they have a good relationship with their dads.

“When fathers are actively involved with their children, children do better,” explains Paul Amato – a sociologist who studies parent-child relationships at Pennsylvania State University – to the publication. “All of this research suggests that fathers are important for a child’s development.”

And as we break down the barriers for fathers entering the ‘parent-force’, we see that stay-at-home dads, single dads, or dads as primary caregivers are becoming more popular options for childcare and accepted by society.

The most recent census data in 2016 suggested that Australia has a record number of stay-at-home dads at a figure of 80,000, which saw a 16 per cent rise in just five years. 

This provides great insight into the rapid generational shift we are experiencing as more women move into the workplace as career-driven breadwinners, and more dads are left to build relationships with and nurture their child at home – while also taking on more domestic duties or hobbies on the side. And why shouldn’t this be the case? After all, children usually have two equal and capable parents.

Yet, dads as primary caregivers are still viewed as a very new concept and we still have a way to go to break down that ‘timber’ ceiling (would this be the male equivalent? You tell me!).

But in the very short time dads have shifted from the workplace to the home, we as a society have already learnt so much about the men we love and the benefits this set-up can have on the family unit.

In the spirit of Father’s Day, I’d love to celebrate all fathers by acknowledging  what we have learnt from stay-at-home dads…

Sometimes a job well done is being there for your family.
Source: Picsea for Unsplash.

House Husbands Have Redefined The Meaning Of Success For Men

In the old model of dad being the breadwinner and mum staying home with the kids that many of our parents grew up with in the ‘50s and ‘60s, a man’s success was largely defined by how well he could provide, or simply, how well he went in his career. This ideal has been perpetuated into current day, despite the rise of more career-oriented women, working mums and the rise of dads staying home with kids.

However, the big lesson that stay-at-home dads have taught us is that a man isn’t always defined by career success and that success in rearing a child should equally be as recognised for dads as it is for mums.

This point was highlighted in an article for the online publication, Man Repeller. The article was a case study of three stay-at-home dads, who provided anecdotal evidence about what it’s really like being a full-time dad.

All three men talked about how being a dad redefined how they and their immediate family defined their success in life.

Conor says: “I’ve always struggled with the idea of what it means for me to be successful. For me, this conjures up a sense of professional accomplishment, recognition, culminating in copious remuneration, so I can travel and be super classy. So there is a tension between what I’ve grown accustomed to believing success to be and what I derive a sense of meaning from. I feel like I’ve been more of a ‘success’ as a parent than if I had simply gone to work at a job to continue to earn money… I think I’m working more towards a sense of satisfaction than success.”

Otis says: “As far as success goes, I am not a traditional capitalist. My capital was me initially and now it’s my family. I never really understood it when people would ask me about ‘success’. Unfortunately we’ve been wired to fear failure, when in essence, it’s one of the best opportunities to learn about yourself.”

Success for dads is about family accomplishments just as much as it is for mums, which can be as great, if not greater, than career achievement. As Conor says, it’s not his work project pictures that he went back to on his phone at the end of the day to cheer himself up.

Which brings me to my next point…

Being able to handle it is all the confidence dads need.
Source: Juliane Liebermann for Unsplash.

Fatherhood Boosts Self-Esteem And Confidence

And we’re not talking about child self-esteem here, we are talking about dad. For so long mums have been the sole carers and nurturers of children. With the rise of stay-at-home dads, we are learning from them that, hey, they can do this thing too – and they are darn good at it.

As Andy from the Man Repeller article explains: “My first mum friend who asked me for parenting advice almost made me cry, feeling validation in my abilities as a parent from a social perspective. I also get a lot of doors held for me, pats on the back, compliments about being a good dad.

“Now, people ask me how it really is being a stay-at-home parent, and I tell them that it can be hard and definitely tiring and frustrating, but it’s never stressful. I feel lucky to be in this situation.”

With more and more men realising their contribution in child rearing is just as valuable, we are now seeing more present dads take part in home life with gusto, sharing duties with their spouse as a partnership rather than defined roles. What these dads have taught us is that practice makes perfect.

You heard it here first folks – we’re all human!
Source: Dragos Gontariu for Unsplash.

Everyone Experiences Emotion Equally

Stay-at-home dads have made us realise it’s not just mums who cry when they can’t get their baby to eat or sleep, men also experience emotion to a greater extent when they become fathers – and this needs to be recognised as a beautiful thing, rather than be buried. Often stay-at-home dads have a rare opportunity to get more in touch with their emotions and emotional management, which in turn benefits their child’s development.

“Early on, the biggest challenge was simply getting her to drink from a bottle. I have vivid memories of both of us crying in an armchair until one of us fell asleep on a throw pillow. But in the long run, trying to grow my limited pool of patience and actually learning more about the healthy management of my emotions has been hard. My kid is my mirror, especially as she has learned to speak and express herself more clearly. When I’m a bonehead or my voice is harsh, it is instantly apparent. And now she’ll even say things like, ‘Dad, it’s aaaalright. Cool your jets,’ when I sound annoyed (she’s three-and-a-half). So I have serious motivation to learn to regulate and try to be a better example for her,” says Conor to Man Repeller.

HuffPost contributor Scott Benner in his article 21 Things I’ve Learned Being A Stay-At-Home Dad, says: “I didn't initially expect that I would become more emotional than I already was, but this job will change you.”

If this is not ultimate strength in being vulnerable enough to forge a good relationship with your child, then I don’t know what is!

Dads are parents too.
Source: Limor Zellermayer for Unsplash.

Men Are Not Pioneers, They Are Parents

I read an article on Fatherly recently that said that fatherhood (read parenthood) starts with sperm.

Never a truer word has been spoken. Men are parents from conception until their dying day – they are not babysitters or part-time, they are in it for better or worse. And yet, when mum goes away for business or a weekend with the girls, sometimes dads will be met with a chorus of, “So who’s going to look after the kids?”

What stay-at-home dads are helping society to realise is that, while you think a house husband turning up to a mum’s group may be a modern thing to be gawked at, dads have always been parents - not babysitters - who are just as capable at parenting tasks.

“There is no such thing as gender-specific tasks,” says Scott of HuffPost.

“I’m lucky to live in a community with a lot of parent/child meetups during the work week. Some mothers treat me like a novelty, tell me it’s ‘so great’ that I get to be home with my daughter, things I don’t know if they would say to another mother,” recalls Andy.

“I’ve had to defend my choice to stay at home! It certainly raises eyebrows and causes heads to shake. Being a stay-at-home dad requires being a team player, ignoring sexist stereotypes, putting most of your ego, some hobbies and interests aside for a bit, and seeing the big picture,” explains Otis.

Men are not pioneering the world of parenthood, they have always been part of it.

Kids Need An Engaged Dad

Gone are the days when dad goes off to work, doesn’t come home til seven when the kids are in bed and only sees them on the weekends.

The more present a dad is, the more children benefit.
Source: Peter Dlhy for Unsplash.

Modern psychology is now realising that present fathers are imperative for a child’s healthy emotional and intellectual development. ‘Engaged fathers’ is the new way of thinking, with quality time spent with kids the focus.

And while stay-at-home dads are not the pioneers of parenthood, they are the pioneers of writing the wrongs of past generations by being more engaged with their kids on purpose.

Andy from Man Repeller explains: “I have a very ‘normal’ relationship with my own dad. He worked, isn’t super emotionally giving, but certainly not a bad parent. To know that my daughter is going to be so much closer to me than I am with my own dad makes me really happy. People always say they want to learn from their parents ‘mistakes’ in raising them, and I feel like so far I’m doing that. That feels really cool.”

So cheers to you, Dads of the new world. Thanks for being emotional beings, nurturers, carers, teachers and parents. We owe you one!

My very present dad, me and my brother on Father’s Day, 1988. Still love my dad – and his gifts! Xx
Source: The Jenkins family album.